DREAM / LIFE
October 9, 2022
A midnight write
My Soul takes flight
On glistening waves of
Full Moon Light
I’m up early. Witching hour. Midnight. Moonlight. Magic is flowing, I can feel it. I let it flow through my hands and my words as I write…
I woke up from a dream about healing. I was helping with renovations of a building, swimming in the river by my hometown, hugging my nephew who wanted to wear a dress. My cat was running around and I had a paper bag of things: my purse in the floral bag I have, some birthday presents, renovation tools, boxes of Kleenex with purple flowers on them. My sister in a nice SUV (purple like the one I want) was picking me up, which felt really nice.
After being scapegoated in my family, it felt incredibly good to be cared for, loved, supported in my healing work. I don’t always read into the symbolism of my dreams, but this one had the seed of a feeling that I want to nurture and fully receive. The feeling of being appreciated for who I am, valued for my healing journey, worthy of wealthy high quality support with genuine family love and respect. Sisterhood. Care. Acceptance. Appreciation.
Yawn… I feel called to dive back into the dream world. I wonder what treasures I’ll find as I swim in the spiritual waters of my Soul…
Dive two. Dawn. Dreams were interesting vignettes of scarcity. One I was assigned on a journey to catch a bad guy, riding a scooter, learning to shoot guns. On the way I needed a place to stay and didn’t have money so walked into an empty apartment, ended up making friends, being surprised by the kindness of strangers. In another I had 4 kids, getting ready for school, yet we had so little money that we could barely buy them new clothes. I was celebrating my 1 year at a job. I was showing someone a house and had to make excuses for it…
These dreams had an energetic aftertaste of the feeling of not enough. Being malnourished despite working hard. Appreciation for the connections and lessons that can come with scarcity, yet a deeper knowing that there is SO MUCH MORE available… How?
A memory pops in of a sexual experience. I remember tuning into an experience I would describe as Moregasm… Instead of the mechanical sparking of an orgasm through work and a predictable path… Opening into something deeper, that feels infinite, More.
Ironically, it came (pun intended) as I was loving through my shame. Instead of trying to look / feel / act confident in my naked body, in that moment I intended to enjoy feeling too fat, sexual shame, and like a pig in shit… Mysteriously unlocking a deeper surrender into transcendent Pleasure and Energy that seemed to last forever, felt like flowing with / as / on the waves of Source… Perhaps… It’s about it’s shifting from the physical, into harmony with the Mystical.
I sense that just like with sex, money and manifestation has a similar potentiality for More… Sometimes I yearn to feel extremely nourished in my experience of Life. I thirst, crave, deeply yearn for Wealth, Freedom, Power, and Pleasure. I have been doing the mechanical sparking of money through work and the predictable path of a job recently… Yet it’s not satisfying me on the deep levels my Soul craves and knows is Possible. How can I have More? Perhaps like the left hand path of embracing my non-sexy to find my Sexy, I can embrace my non-wealthy to find my Wealthy. Instead of trying to emulate success or present an image of the coach-laughing-with-her-laptop-at-a-cafe, be fully honest about how I feel and go with that. Because to me, Transformational Coaching is about Self-Realization. It’s about Healing. It’s about celebrating what’s truly possible when we unlock Who the Fuck We Truly Are.
I’m curious about shame. I’m wondering about my shadows. I’m wandering into my dark matter with great care and compassion, interested to find the constellations of Liberation… How can I Love myself More? Lately I’ve been looking in the mirror and seeing myself more. More than messy hair, I’m seeing the beauty of dreadlocks that make me look like a mystical witch, a shaman, a faerie being, a warrior… More than an unusual body, I’m seeing the wealth of thick hips, the power of strong arms, the floral lusciousness of big lips, the soulful comfort of unique breasts… Instead of judging my passion or emotionality as crazy, I’m finally appreciating the wild Magic of the Feminine and the genius in my Energetic Intelligence.
I’m letting go of trying to be “perfect”… Really that’s just trying hard to fit into a box of approval created by my family, society, or cultural conditioning based on what they wanted. Just because their lens of approval or understanding wasn’t wide enough to see me or get me, doesn’t mean that I can’t expand my own…
Furthermore, I’m letting go of punishing myself because I triggered others. Am I supposed to be the “good girl” who never challenges or changes the status quo? NO. It seems like in just being authentic and loving myself into my own freedom… I make big waves of change. Yet I want love like everyone else. I used to think that if I just suffered enough, if I just showed how much it hurt, if I just tried to explain my pain, it could be learned from and I would be loved… However I’m realizing now I can’t make anyone love me. It really is an inside job. There are billions of other people on this Earth. I have options. Love is non-negotiable now.
I wonder about a healing kink scene… Playing out this pattern of self-punishment to allow it to integrate on deeper physical levels… Even now I played with spanking myself, and thought “I’m such a bad girl, so fat, so crazy, in such big trouble for speaking up, people don’t love me because I’m so bad, I’m so wild, I’m such a bad girl, so fat, so crazy, bad, bad girl…” It actually feels kinda good to play it out. Externalizing the internal. I admit there’s a surprising comfort in going through shadows instead of emptily feigning light…
Why does it feel so fucking good to own the kink of it? Perhaps because it’s authentic. No longer suppressing my inner thoughts / feelings, or self-punishing programs, letting them be loved in the light. Perhaps sharing with someone else would be even more liberating. I feel like in me owning my internal self-punishment of “bad girl, fat, crazy” etc, I’m actually loving myself more. It feels like… Thank you for loving me here, in this deep part of myself.
The Transformational Coach in me wants to rush to change the beliefs and thoughts, but the Healer knows better… She feels a deeper part of me that says… Be with me. Love me here. As I allow myself to feel it, my Soul resonates powerfully through my body. I feel Love. I feel Home. Authenticity. Belonging. Compassion. Care. It feels like Coming Home to myself.
I sense that part of my self-punishment has been self-created suffering. In this lifetime I’ve spiritually awakened to the point of knowing that I too am God / Goddess / Great Love. Godde Embodied as My Own Queen, in fact. I’ve tasted the nectar and felt this Divine Power…
And simultaneously, I’ve created / participated in frustrating patterns of limitation. Knowing I’m Godde and yet having not enough money. Suffering for the approval of my family or society or cultural constructs from all the stupid fucking movies with perfect looking women. I’ve never seen anyone like me in movies… Curvy, weird, wild, dreadlocks, strong…
Maybe it’s time for me to be the Heroine, Main Character, Star of my Life / Movie. Sure, why not? And why not now? I’m in. And as for the patterns of limitation… I feel that going into the shadows and loving them, is perhaps the key to set myself Free…
